


Everything Will Get Better, I Promise

by OmnipotentToast



Series: Mystic Messenger One-shots and Maybe Stories too? [1]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THE FIRST TAG THIS IS A VENT THING, I will probably just write this for myself but if i ever publish it enjoy my gay shit I guess-, M/M, MC is nonbinary, Mental Health Issues, Nonbinary Character, Vanderwood is a demiboy, it has to do with mental health and depressing themes, so it isn't for everyone, sorry I didnt mean to caps lock adfuhadr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:23:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24460453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OmnipotentToast/pseuds/OmnipotentToast
Summary: T/C WARNING: DARK THEMES INVOLVING MENTAL HEALTH AND DEPRESSION. SPOILER WARNING AT THE VERY BOTTOM, BUT IF YOU FEEL YOU REALLY NEED IT THEN READ THE BOTTOM OF THISIt has some Yoosung x Saeyoung. (Well now there's a lot. It wasn't intended to have a lot but I love hurt/comfort a little too much so-). This is basically a vent for me, as a person who's gone through a period of depression, and as a person who knows many people who have depression and/or other mental issues. This is based off some of my issues, my friends' issues, and other things like the ARG HiI'mMaryMary and the games by Angela He, namely Missed Messages and You Left Me.Basically this one-shot revolves around Yoosung, who is going through way more than anyone knows, and he doesn't know how his life can get better. So let's hope it does :)(Spoiler T/C warnings: almost self-harm, mentions of bullying involving homophobia, and Yoosung's mom being overly strict (it might trigger bad memories for some people? I'm not sure but I'm putting it here just in case.)
Relationships: 707 | Choi Luciel/Kim Yoosung, Han Jumin & Zen | Ryu Hyun, Kang Jaehee/Main Character (Mystic Messenger)
Series: Mystic Messenger One-shots and Maybe Stories too? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1620265
Comments: 4
Kudos: 57





	Everything Will Get Better, I Promise

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, warnings for this are in the summary and this is a vent thing not just for me but based on my friends' experiences as well.

Darkness. It's a word associated with many things. Fear, sadness, cold, loneliness, and if you notice, they're all in relation to negativity.

Light, in contrast to darkness, has more positive words associated with it. Happiness, joy, warmth, hope.

Being in the light induces serotonin levels to rise, and darkness invokes fear or hopelessness in some. There can't be dark without light, or light without dark. Otherwise, everything would be the same, and nothing would feel right or wrong.

Sure, everyone has dark times, but it's good to cherish them because it helps the good times feel even better. 

Then again, some people rarely get good moments. Others have them in short periods, or haven't had any in a long time. This is most definitely what's going on with Kim Yoosung.

Right now, he lies in bed on his side, facing the wall the bed is up against. He hasn't moved much since he woke up. He has no idea how long ago it was. It could have been minutes, an hour, or hours. He has no clue. He hasn't felt the motivation to pick up his phone yet. 

Yoosung hasn't had to motivation to do anything other than to move his arm, which had fallen asleep under his weight, the only thing noticeable being pins and needles up is forearm and to his fingertips. It took a while for the sensory overload to stop, and he just left himself like that. 

He feels hot, as he's been lying in this same spot since he fell asleep. But he also doesn't feel like flipping his pillow, or moving to the other side of the matress. He doesn't see the need to, and moving from a hot to a cold temperature doesn't sound super pleasant at the moment.

He feels somewhat numb. Both his body and his mind. His eyes are half-lidded, but he can't fall back asleep. There are other times like this, and there are times when he manages to fall back asleep, wake up again, and repeat this process until he isn't able to sleep anymore. 

He doesn't feel like sitting up, getting dressed, going to school all just to be chewed out and be confused, and probably fall asleep in class. He doesn't want to cook, clean, go shopping. He does when he really needs to, but he'd rather sleep. It's the furthest from existance he can get. Every day it's the same. Get up, go to school, come home, eat food, bathe, sleep. Of course, he can't forget his favorite game LOLOL.

The game accounts for him not sleeping as much as he would without it, which is basically the majority of the twenty-four hours in a day. He usually snoozes all day unless he can motivate himself to go to school and he plays LOLOL in the late hours of the night and morning. It isn't healthy, but at least he's doing something. Anything.

Oh, and he can't forget. The messenger app. He logs in sometimes just so no one will be suspicious of him. He wouldn't _dare_ to find out what would happen if they all found out about how he really feels. It would hurt them and they'd worry for nothing and he'd feel worse that people are wasting time and energy on him, and all for nothing. Anything that makes him happy is temporary. He feels he can't be helped.

So just not doing anything, or saying anything, hiding his true feelings, it's all what he feels is best. it doesn't matter if he does it because he feels so unwanted by everyone else, or because he's hiding his dark thoughts. At least he isn't a burden. 

Of course, it might be pretty confusing. Some people may be thinking, _He isn't like this. He's the cute little gamer boy who's easy to tease, not some lonely, depressed, broken child._ Well, no one else knows. No one would suspect it. 

It all started from his cousin who left the world a good while ago. Ever since then, he fell in and out of depression. At first, he thought it was just greiving, but with Rika gone he had no one to look up to. No one to tell him how great he is when he doubts himself. And now here he is.

He feels trapped inside his own mind. He hates himself. He hates his voice, his overly-skinny body, he hates how he looks, and his stupid bleached hair that's similar to Rika's. It's a constant reminder of her that he now realizes was a really bad idea. He's started growing his brown hair out again, and so right now he's got brown roots and the rest is pale yellow. He can now see it, just as his mom said, it looks tacky. And stupid. And he wants to just cut it all off. He almost has, several times, but he never gets to doing it. it's the fear and realization that he'll fuck up and somehow it'll just look worse.

He hates not only his physical flaws, but just how he acts; how horribly lazy he is. He can never get to doing anything productive, and if he does anything it's because someone forces him to or it's at the last minute. He always just feels bored. No matter what he does, it just doesn't feel _right_. It's like there's something he absolutely craves to do in order to satisfy himself, but he still hasn't found out what it is yet, so he's feeling empty and hopeless. He just plays videogames, fucks around on the messenger, and sleeps his life away.

And then he hears the familiar little ding come from his phone. It's sitting on his bedside table behind him. He feels he might as well check it. It might help to get him out of bed. He sits up and groans when he slouches forward. It hurts from him hunching over his computer to play LOLOL every night.

He leans over and barely reaches his phone, returning to his upright position in the center of the matress. His bedsheets are a mess, and he knows he won't fix them up. There's really no point when he'll just get back in it later. 

Yoosung enters his password and lets his phone open up. Yeah, he has a password. It's not like he's hiding anything really, but if some asshole from school somehow steals his phone they can't get into it. His password is a random reference from a show he likes so no one'll really get it.

He clicks on the familiar messenger icon and waits on it to load up before the screen pops up with icons, calls, and chatrooms. He enters where he sees Saeyoung and MC active.

_Yoosung★ has entered the chatroom . . ._

707: omg

707: Yoosungie returns from the dreamworld of LOLOL

707: Or maybe

MC: *gasp

MC: You don't think . . .?

Yoosung★: Huh?

707: Yoosung, did you sleep?

MC: You better have +_+

Yoosung did, in fact, sleep. He played LOLOL until 02:44 in the morning. He woke up who knows how long ago and now it's 09:21, as he sees in the top corner of the screen. He usually sleeps a lot, and if he sleeps in or something he blames it on playing the game. Still, he somehow always has dark circles in his eyes. Perhaps it's from lack of sunlight?

He's used to having to lie so much in these chatrooms. Putting up a happy, naive front just so no one could think of how dark his world really is. Telling them he was busy, or saying he'll attempt to study. Of course, these are excuses and lies, so they aren't true. He can't study anymore, actually. Or focus in class. It's so weird. It's like no matter how hard he tries to read the words all pass right through him, and he starts freaking out because he can't retain the information, and his head gets fuzzy, his body gets hot, and his eyes blur. He can't hear, only feel, only breathe, and it's too much. And he has to stop, calm down, and give up.

Yoosung★: Ah, no

Yoosung★: I went to bed I swear ㅠㅠ

707: Likely story

MC: lolololol

Yoosung★: Just not last night-

707: jfhgfishgufahsiupfh

707: Sleep is important for young people so they grow up nice and healthy

707: being on computers all the time isn't good

Yoosung★: But you do that all the time

707: mwo

Yoosung★: and you're only two years older than me! 

Yoosung★: You need to take care of yourself too, and eat food other than HBC

Yoosung★: Even if they're the best chips ㅠㅠㅠㅠ

MC: aww look at you guys worrying over each other's health

MC: worry about yourselves too lol

707: I think I'll die young

Yoosung★: *slightly annoyed emoji where he makes face :> and says "형, 뢔 이래요."

Yoosung★: Don't say stuff like that . . .

MC: ya live long so u can grow the world's longest beard!

707: ooh~

707: I'll become a world sensation, just like long cat!

707: I just need

707: to survive my career ㅠㅠ

Yoosung★: fhkdfhuieaghu

MC: ufiudshfuiskrghidghidsgae

707:diofh

707: fhaog

707:ifjdiughdoagh

707: ofhaiurhta

707: dhfjidhg

Yoosung★: don't cover the screen

707: srry ;;;

MC: lololol

MC: wait Yoosung don't you have school?

Yoosung★: School?

Yoosung★: What is that haha

MC: -_-

707: hell

Yoosung★: lolol ya I don't wanna go to hell, it's boring and I just fall asleep anyway

707: the desks make the perfect nap spot tho

MC: don't encourage him!

MC: School is important Yoosuuungggg~

707: Ya, I did have to make good grades to be able to maintain my job where I almost die a lot

Yoosung★: Hyung, don't say thjs

Yoosung★: *that

707: ;;;;

MC: ;;;;;;

MC: please go to school 

Yoosung★: ugh

Yoosung★: fine, but I'll probably fall asleep anyway

Yoosung★: Not like I even know what's going on

707: make sure to remember your backpack this time!

Yoosung★: ㅠㅠ

He logs out of the chat and shuts his phone off. Dreading school, Yoosung gets up and throws on some clothes. Pants, some random shirt, and his favorite worn out blue hoodie. it's incredibly comfy and it makes him feel nice and safe. He isn't really sure why, but maybe because it sort of hides his body, which he isn't proud of. He's so skinny that he can lightly see his rib cage. 

Some of this is from not feeling like eating, or craving the feeling of being hungry. Sometimes it's nice, and sometimes he's nauseous and it isn't. Then there are times where he has no food at the house and he doesn't feel like going out or shopping so he sleeps instead. 

Then again, he always makes sure that all the other members of the RFA are eating. As long as they're healthy, then he's happy. 

And so he makes sure to grab his bookbag, as Saeyoung told him to, and he puts on his shoes by the front door before heading out. (yes, he locked the door.)

School for him goes the same as it always does. He arrives, he's late, the teacher makes fun of him in some way and the class laughs, and he sits down, already miserable. The lesson ensues and he has no clue what's happening. Then he just gets bored and falls asleep. 

The sound of the bell wakes him up and he sits up as the teacher starts giving reminders about the essay and other numerous assignments due soon. He probably will attempt one or two of them but then give up as he doesn't understand anything. So he just kind of leaves with some other kids while the teacher talks about it more.

~~~

And the rest of the day goes a little different. He went and hung out in the coffee shop in the same spot he does every day. He waited the lunch period out on his phone until he had his next classes, and gets bullied by dumb assholes on the way there as well as while waiting for the class to start. 

After class he went to go home, but not before bumping into some people he always hopes _not_ to bump into. Today though, it seems, isn't his lucky day. Out of all the people who are rude to and talk shit about him, these are the worst. They tell him the worst things he doesn't wanna hear and sometimes they push him around but it isn't all that bad. That's what he tells himself. Of course, other people have it worse than he does. He can't just complain about it, that isn't fair.

When he arrives at his house, he opens the door, gingerly shutting it behind him as if it were some sort of sacred object. He then falls back against it, sliding down to the floor. It's a little more comfortable as he has his bookbag on and it cushions his back. 

Then again, he feels completely drained. Even though he slept a lot, just going to and from school exhausts him. Not understanding the lessons makes him feel horrible, and stupid, and clueless. And then the bullying. It's the _worst_. It's like a constant reminder of his flaws and insecurities, but retold by other people. It's degrading at the least. And he sits up against his backback, head up with his eyes closed while he tries to hold back tears. 

He's almost successful, but a few slip out of both eyes. He sighs and wipes them. The worst thing is, it's his birthday. He didn't forget, but he knew it since last night. He knows that it isn't that important, and so he didn't mention it. No one in the messenger wished him a happy birthday, and his parents haven't called him. 

So now he sits here, finally letting all his stress out. Yeah, it's like this every day. A repeated cycle of school and bullying and feeling down all the time. Sometimes it gets old, sometimes it's too much and he has a breakdown. Today is a worse day, maybe because of the fact that he knows it's his "special" day and it just doesn't feel good at all.

His phone vibrates in his pocket. He assumes it's just a notification but it goes again and again and he knows someone's calling him. He pulls it out and smiles hopefully as he sees it's from his mom. Finally, she'll wish him a happy birthday.

He quickly answers, putting it to his ear. He tries to clear his throat so she doesn't know he was, or still is, lightly crying. "Hey, m-" He doesn't get to finish as she cuts him off. " _Kim Yoosung!_ " His heart drops as he hears the tone of her voice. This definitely _isn't_ a happy birthday phonecall. She also used his last name, so this is very serious. 

His hand is suddenly very shaky. He doesn't know how to respond, so she continues. "I went to check your grades online and they've only gotten worse! I swear. it's that stupid game of yours. You put it before your schoolwork and your grades get lower and lower! Do you even study anymore!?!" Yoosung shivers, his hand gripping the sleeve of his other arm. "I m-"

"Why can't you be more productive!? Playing video games doesn't let you earn money, or become a doctor or a lawyer, it rots your brain. Why can't you be more like your sister? She has a job, a husband, a nice house, and two kids and you can't even manage to study once a day, or show up to class. All because of that- that _violent_ game. I'm not kidding, Yoosung, I'm going to talk to your father about this and find some way to get you more involved with your education and away from that stupid computer."

She hung up. His arm almost goes limp, and he has to strengthen his grip on his phone so that he doesn't drop it. He almost can't believe it. His mom called him, and not to wish him a happy birthday, but to complain about his grades, tell him he should be more like his successful sister, and on top of that trash one of the only things that give him just a little bit of solidarity anymore. 

He sits there for a while, not knowing what to do, not feeling like making any sort of movement. All is quiet aside from the sound of his shaky breathing. He has goosebumps that litter his arms and legs. And he remains like that for a while, just thinking. 

No, this wasn't the first time his mom had called and complained about this. Sure, he's heard this stuff a bunch of times, but today is worse. It's his birthday of all days, the day when he should be celebrated or at least given a break. He's also had a rough morning, and afternoon, only to have his mood drop even more. Is there even any serotonin in his brain anymore? 

Yes, if he could do better in school maybe he would. It's just so hard. After Rika, his one best motivation, left this world, he basically died inside. He gave up on school, changed his appearance, and found solace in a video game. He didn't feel the need to put effort into anything anymore.

He drifted away from his friends and family, his mind full of demons they don't know he has. The ones who make him feel lonely and tell him that he's unwanted, unloved, and ugly. Worthless. Like he could just disappear and no one would really notice. And today has been so bad, and these feelings are eating him up inside. 

Finally standing up, he slides his backpack so that it's out of the way of the door. He heads over to the wall by the bathroom, turning the heat on so it'll be hot when he goes in. 

Then he hears that same ping on his phone, alerting him that people are chatting in the messenger app. His hand still holds his phone, and he brings it up to his face. the screen is lit up with his background of a cute puppy. There's a chat notification 

Yoosung's thumb hovers over his screen, wondering if they'd care whether or not he showed up. If he were to tell them about how he's had a rough day, and what his mom said, and how shitty he feels, then . . . he almost goes to open it, but the screen goes dark from waiting too long. He walks over and sets it down on his bedside table, plugging it in. It's better if he just keeps this to himself.

He takes his time grabbing his towel and stripping himself of clothing before he returns to the bathroom. He sets his towel on the toilet seat, which stays safe from the water, and goes to the sink. He remembers to switch the water from the faucet to the shower. 

So he goes and turns the water on, grabbing the handle of the showerhead. He lets it coat his body starting from his torso and going gradually down to his legs, and then his hair. And he lets his thoughts take over as he lathers the hot water all over his pale, pasty white skin.

He still can't believe he hasn't gotten a happy birthday greeting from anyone. Maybe a birthday prank from Saeyoung at least? But no, it's just been a shitty day. Then, he can't complain. There are people who have life worse than him. And it's better that people don't waste their energy trying to make him happy. He doesn't really need it, or as his mom mentioned with his low grades, deserve it. 

At least no one is burdened by him. At least he can contain all of these horrible, self-loathing thoughts within his mind. Then no one else has to carry the weight of them, because they drag you down. Down, down, down until you can't get back up again. Until you're either miraculously saved by others taking some of the weight for themselves, or until you're six feet under. Yoosung doesn't know any sort of in-between. So maybe he'll just suffer up until the end. 

Suddenly feeling like sleeping, or leaving, just being out of existance, he leans back against the wall, which is freezing cold up against his bare back. Yoosung slides down until he's got his knees up to his chest, arms wrapped around them. 

He wonders then, what would anyone say if he left the world? If he were gone? Sure, some people would be sad. Maybe mad. But it's not like he did much good. Yeah, he's part of a fundraising group but he doesn't offer as many guests as anyone else. He isn't a CEO of a company, or an actor, or good at hacking. He can't do tons or work or communicate with tons of people across the world. He isn't really special. He has no talents. 

When Rika died, he was the only one who was truly sad. Everyone else got over it so quickly, even Jihyun, her ex-fiancé. Rika was such a good person. She had hope for the future, made a fundraising association, donated to people, volunteered to help others, and she always made everyone happy. So when she left, why did everyone get over her so quickly? If he had died instead, with no real accomplishments, wouldn't everyone forget about him so much quicker than they did with her?

They don't need him. He isn't even wanted in the chats. No one ever seeks him out, and all Saeyoung ever does to involve him is make fun of or prank him. Sure, it's all supposed to be playful or whatever, but sometimes he takes it too far and he doesn't know how to tell him that so he gets hurt, whether it be physically or mentally. Though, what hurts the most is that he can do that when he, er, nevermind.

If Yoosung were to go out into the woods, get lost, and maybe fall and hit his head and die, how long would it even be before anyone notices he's missing? Days, weeks? Would anyone even look for him? 

Yoosung groans, clutching his chest. His heart hurts. Somehow, he doesn't know, but he feels so shitty that one of his most important organs is throbbing. He hates this, and he only gets it when he's at his worst. He looks up, breathing heavily. His eye catches sight of something and he gets an _~~idea~~_.

~~~  
  


Saeyoung parks his car in the driveway of Yoosung's place. For once, he's excited. It had taken a lot of effort private-messaging everyone and getting everything set up, but it'll all be worth it. The look on Yoosung's face when he sees will be priceless, or well, to him at least. 

Zen was supposed to come pick him up, but he was running late and Saeyoung's car can get here faster than the motorcycle. So, here he is.

He walks up to the front door and knocks. 

And he waits.

He tries again.

Nothing.

He tries the door handle and it opens. He guesses that Yoosung forgot to lock it, and thank goodness it's him here and not an intruder. 

He slowly enters and sees no one. "Yoosung . . .?" 

No answer.

He goes to step forward and his foot bumps into something, startling him as he almost trips. He glances down, seeing that the object in his way is Yoosung's beat up lavender bookbag. 

He shakes his head, taking his shoes off and setting then down by the door, realizing that Yoosung must have been in a hurry to go do something when he got home. Saeyoung does know that he's here, though, as he tracked the phone location and he knows it's somewhere around.

The room looks mostly neat, or untouched, except for the messy bed. It's pretty quiet, except for the sound of running water. After shutting and locking the door behind him, he turns and heads for the bathroom. Of course, he's been to Yoosung's place before. It was mostly when he was in college though, and Yoosung was in high school. It was easier then, when Saeyoung had less-dangerous, less-tedious work. Though, he hasn't been to his house in quite a while and he forgets how small it really is, compared to his bunker.

He ends up at the bathroom, definitely sure there's the sound of water inside. He knocks on the door, expecting to hear some sort of yelp or something to sound from the boy inside. Though, there's nothing. He knocks again. "Yoosung!?" Nothing.

He knocks again, and waits. "Yoosung, I know you're in there! Can you hear me? You should be able to, it's Saeyoung." Still no response. Worry growing in his chest, he opens the door a crack. 

He sees that the shower head is on the floor opposite to the side of the room it comes from, which is proven from the cord attached to it, and it sprays water violently at the wall. It appears to have been flung or dropped. Knowing that no sensible person throws the fucking shower head across the room, he pushes the door open the rest of the way, barging in.

And across from where the shower is, Yoosung sits, curled upright in a ball in the corner. His wrist is out and his other hand holds the very ~~_object_~~ that instills the most fear into him. Now fully alert of the situation, his stomach drops and his heart begins racing as he dashes across the room, which is only a few meters, somehow not slipping on the wet floor, and drops in front of Yoosung. 

Yoosung snaps out of whatever sort of trance he was in and looks up at Saeyoung, who rips the ~~_razor_~~ out of his grip and flings it away, not wanting to even look at it. "Yoosung, what the fuck were you about to do with that!?" He's completely angry, and not thinking straight as he quickly grabs and examines Yoosung's wrists, causing the blond to let out a hushed whimper. "Saeyoung, I didn't-" 

"No, you were about to ~~_cut yourself_ ~~open with a fucking ~~_razor_~~ , a **~~_razor blade_~~**. Why would you do that to yourself, huh!?" He doesn't realize, but his grip on Yoosung's arms are shaking as his grip on him is growing stronger, and both their minds is racing a mile a minute. "Saeyoung, you're scaring me-"

"Well fucking answer me! Why would you do ~~_that_~~ , huh!? Why would . . ." His voice cracks, and he realizes the situation. He's got way too tight a hold on Yoosung, who was literally messed up enough to almost self-harm, and now he's screaming in his face. He loosens his grip, feeling his much he's shaking. They're both trembling.

"I don't know, I don't . . . . I'm scared, Saeyoung, help me . . ." Saeyoung lets his arms go gently, and Yoosung leans forward, so Saeyoung hugs him, despite the fact that he's all wet. Yoosung grips the back of Saeyoung's soft hoodie, his body racking with light sobs. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he whispers, shaking his head. Saeyoung shushes him.

"No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell. I'm just, you really scared me. Please don't do that to yourself. Just . . . please tell my why you'd ever think of _~~hurting yourself~~_."

Yoosung pulls away and sits back up against the wall, wrapping his arms around his legs. "I don't know, I really, I don't, I just . ." He looks down, scared of glancing upward and seeing the expression on his friend's face.

"It hurts, Saeyoung, to live. To- to keep living the same day over and over, just a repeated cycle. I don't feel the need to keep doing . . anything really. Being here. I . . ."

Saeyoung frowns, now scared of the words escaping the other boy's mouth. Has he really been feeling like this?

"Saeyoung I'm so numb . . . I used to be sad, I'm not anymore. I used to be happy, I'm not anymore. Not since Rika . . . not . . I," He pauses, a cold chill running through his body.

"I don't feel _anything_ anymore. Everything repeats and it's meaningless. I thought that,  maybe . . . _~~cutting~~_ myself would let me feel something. Or let me be in control. Everyone's always telling me what to do, how to act, how to live my life, and I thought this was one ~~_thing_~~ I could do to myself, or I, I don't know. I'm really stupid haha . ."

Saeyoung puts his hand on Yoosung's shoulder, causing the blond to flinch a bit before settling down. He finally manages to look up at the redhead, and sees the sad expression on his face.

"Yoosung, I had no idea you felt this way-" He stops, noticing now how exactly Yoosung's condition is, or well, _nude_ , to put it shortly. He pulls his hand from his shoulder and turns his head away. Yoosung looks down on himself, realizing the same thing. 

Saeyoung stands up and sees the towel on the toilet seat. He quickly grabs it and brings it back to the blond boy, handing it over to him. It's a bit wet on top, probably from when the shower head was flung across the room. 

"Here." 

Yoosung takes it, a sad but solemn look on his face. He simply nods and takes it. Saeyoung leaves the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

( **I was just thinking now that this scene might have confused some people because korean bathrooms are different from bathrooms like in America so if you don't know what a korean bathroom looks like you should look it up** )

~~~

Saeyoung fixed Yoosung's bed up a bit and now sits on it, realizing his outfit problem. The front of his jeans from the knees and down are wet. His hoodie and shirt are also a bit damp from Yoosung hugging him. 

He almost can't believe what just happened. Out of any situation he expected to see when he arrived, this was definitely not it. And then, how did he not know that Yoosung was sad enough to pull something like that? Saeyoung himself is so good at hiding his own sadness, even though with his brother back he doesn't feel that bad anymore, but how did he not notice Yoosung doing the same thing? Of course he's too much of a "happy dumb blond" to be truthfully like that. 

Saeyoung almost flinches as  Yoosung comes in wearing the towel. He watches as the blond gets some clothes from his drawer. Saeyoung looks away while he changes, and he feels Yoosung sit down beside him. He has on a comfy-looking grey sweater and black sweatpants, and they're probably nice in comparison to Saeyoung's slightly wet clothes. He won't complain about the conditions of his outfit, though, as he's been through much worse.

Saeyoung takes in a deep breath before letting it all out and relaxing his shoulders. He glances over to see Yoosung has his head down and his hands are folded between his legs. He finds himself somewhat angry, and he doesn't really know why.

"So what the hell was that about? Yoosung, I don't want you to be holding back any secrets from now on. We're not _fucking_ around anymore, and I need you to tell me what's going on inside your head. Just what on Earth would drove you to do ~~_that_~~?"

He's sure Yoosung flinched at the tone of his voice when he was talking, and he feels a little bad. Saeyoung also realizes something. He's mad, of course, but really at _himself_. Mad that he never noticed that Yoosung has been hurting, and for who _knows_ how long. He isn't trying to be mean, really, but he just feels like an absolute shit person right now. Clearly not as shitty as Yoosung does, but that somehow makes it worse.

There's a moment of silence. It lasts long enough for Saeyoung to begin to talk, but he stops when he hears Yoosung starts to speak. His voice is hushed, and breaks every now and then. 

"After Rika died, I didn't know, er, I _still_ don't know what to do with myself. I guess I was practically _dead inside?_ Does that sound cringey? Ugh, anyways, life, being alive felt. It felt just _meaningless_. Like why should I be here instead of _her_ , who did so much good in the world!?"

He gives himself a second to take a deep breath and calm down. To be honest, Saeyoung didn't expect him to start explaining so much so quickly. Then, Yoosung usually isn't, or at least he thought, one to hold back feelings. But now he realizes it's really only face-to-face. 

"It took a while but you and the others in the RFA made me happy again. Or, somewhat, anyway. I thought it would get better, I really really did . . . but I was _still_ sad. Or something. It was like i was feeling this weird emotion that was negative, but I couldn't quite put a name on it."

"Even when I had happy times, they would never last. It was like sadness was just my default emotion. And becase I was feeling so horribly, as I lost my main motivation, Rika, I let go a lot. I let my grades slip, and I found solace in LOLOL."

Yoosung pauses, letting a cold chill pass through his body before continuing.

"It was like a drug, I guess, a happy little escape that only works for so long before it does more harm than good, but still it somehow lessens the pain. Everything was going downhill, but it was like a snowball, gradually gaining more and more and getting worse and worse as it goes. My mom is really disappointed in me and scolds me more than anything and I don't see the point of being around anymore. I'm like a- a, some sort of dead weight."

His face turns from something of anguish to a softened expression.

"And then MC came along. Something, or someone, fresh, new, and I guess they motivated me again just like Rika. Don't tell anyone, but I had a huge crush on them. It was back when they first arrived and started to make everyone happy. I think I mixed up my slight happiness boost with romantic attraction or something, haha . . . sorry, that wasn't funny."

Yoosung begins to fidget with the cuffs of his long sweater sleeves. He licks his chapped lips, and tries to stop the slight shivering he's doing. He remains still for a moment, but then the tremors begin again and he gives up. It's inevitable that he'll be like this in a time where he's admitting all his dark thoughts and feelings. He just wishes there was something he could do to lessen his nervous tendencies.

"Anyway, I became- uh, what's the word, _obsessed_ , but then they said they were, uh, only into girls and got with Jaehee. I fell into this horrible depression once again, mostly from being alone, and feeling like my one shot at happiness was ripped away once again, even though I knew I never had a chance with them. Then everything went back to how it was before. Just me feeling horribly . . . lonely, and- and unwanted."

He pauses to take a shaky breath, quickly wiping a tear that escapes from his eye. He sniffles, and though he tries to hold them in more tears start flowing down his cheeks. He feels a little embarrassed, but then again, maybe this whole conversation is just as, if not more, embarrassing.

"And then the next year it was like all my friends were gone. Seung moved away and hasn't responded to my messages. And then when we went on break from school Jeong ignored my texts and I realized they were just using me because they had no one else to talk to and when we weren't in school anymore I wasn't wanted or needed anymore. Other people I knew were just aquaintences who only talked to me in class because there was nothing better to do. And then I felt worse. I guess I thought it was just loneliness but now I'm realizing it was more than that.  And with no one to really hang out with or talk to every single day repeated just the same as always. School, failing, skip it and play LOLOL, it helps but it isn't that fun anymore, get bullied, it's old, get scolded by my mom for my grades . . . I'm so tired. I'm so, so tired. I just wanna go to sleep and not wake up. I want to find peace, and happiness, like Rika. I-"

He stops and freezes as Saeyoung plants a hand firmly on his shoulder. Just like the last time. He was almost too startled to flinch, and he suddenly feels nervous, his body getting hot and feeling like he might start sweating. 

Saeyoung lets go and picks his legs up, scooting back to the middle of the bed, now with his legs crossed. He pats the spot beside him.

"C'mere." 

Yoosung nods and lifts his legs up onto the bed before scooting backward a little. "Why did you want me to mo-" 

Saeyoung leans forward, arms outstretched. Yoosung instinctively goes to pull away and run, but realizes the face in front of him. Someone he trusts. Someone who goes and hugs him, and it almost fucks with his head because his mind is racing. He glances down at the back of Saeyoung's hoodie before slowly letting his arms down. 

"Hey, Yoosung-ah . . . It's okay, calm down."

His fingers brush over the soft dark-grey fabric as he listen's to his friend's surprisingly soothing voice. Saeyoung rubs light circles on his back, and it's weirdly comforting. He's never gotten such a notion before, and so he lets his hands curl into fists while he realizes how wet his face his.

He blinks slowly and for a longer amount of time than normal, sort of like a cat does if they trust someone, and suddenly his eyes are blurry. He wipes his face, which still feels a little damp afterward.

After a bit, Saeyoung asks him a question. 

"So . . . why did you decide to do ~~_that_~~ _today_?"

Yoosung gulps, his breath a bit shakey when he slowly inhales afterward. "I've had a . . . pretty shitty day, which isn't really unusual. Hmm . . I didn't get out of bed until you guys made me-" 

"I thought you were playing LOLOL?"

"I lied."

Yoosung slowly pulls away from Saeyoung, moving into a comfortable position where his legs are crossed. He shifts his gaze downward to face his lap, unable to look into the hacker's eyes.

"So what happened?"

"I was late to school, got chewed out by the teacher in front of everyone, got bullied, for being gay, skipped lunch, I . . . I got home feeling so tired, so miserable, and my mom finally called. I thought I would be happy. I thought she would finally wish me happy birthday . . . but she, she uh . . . all she had to say was that I'm useless, not working hard enough in school, too obsessed with 'that stupid game', and that I should be more like my sister who's got a good job, a husband, and kids. I just . . . after feeling so bad about my day I wanted to- to just _die_. Or just sleep? I don't know. I wanted to cease existing for a bit. Maybe for good. It was too much to just breathe at that point. I felt so disgusted with myself, and how I have no control in my life. I thought if I did it I could control my own pain or. . . I don't know, I don't know what I'm thinking, I'm so stupid."

Saeyoung shakes his head, though it isn't seen by the younger boy. "You're not stupid, Yoosung. You're actually really smart. Smart enough to fool everyone into believing that you've been okay for so long, when you're really hurting. None of us suspected a thing. This is all so surprising."

Yoosung feels a bit shocked at his words, and not only that, but his absolutely serious attitude. He doesn't think he's ever seen Saeyoung go on this long without making a joke of some sort. But then, he does guess that this _is_ a really serious topic, and maybe he's just trying his hardest not to be rude.

"Well, is that all you wanted to say? We have all the time in the world. I could sit here with you all day and just listen if it helps." He moves so that his hand find's Yoosung's, entertwining their fingers. Yoosung nods.

"Do you really wanna know? This is the worst part . . . and kind of embarrassing . . . "

Saeyoung tightens his grip on his hand. "I want to know everything about you, Yoosung. All your thoughts, and your feelings, from the inside out. I promise I won't think you're weird."

Yoosung finds comfort in his friend's soft and unnusually trusting voice. Even still, he's basically spilling his _biggest_ secret to him, so obviously he's still nervous. 

"Okay so . . . I've had a crush on this person for a while. I thought, maybe they might like me, or something, or uh . . . I dunno, maybe they'd see me like I see them. But then they're still oblivious, maybe because I'm just a friend to them, a younger brother to pick on, and I guess I stopped erm, trying."

Yoosung reaches his hand up, his long sleeve covering it, and wipes some tears from his face. Saeyoung noticed something but never said it. Yoosung had just recently said he's been bullied for being gay. He probably didn't mean to say it but he didn't deny it and he's never told anyone, not that Saeyoung assumed he's straight but he always goes on and on about not having a girlfriend. He never thought that he might actually have a crush on a guy despite acting like a bisexual in denial.

Saeyoung turns to him. "Do I know this person?" He wonders who, and realizes, he himself picks on Yoosung, but maybe he likes Zen. Zen treats him like a brother. They seem to have that relationship. Or maybe it's one of Yoosung's old high school friends. Too bad. Saeyoung's had a crush on Yoosung for a long time, and only now finding out that he's depressed enough to almost self harm and want to commit suicide, that's horrifying how he never noticed. He feels like a failure. 

Yoosung sighs. "I guess I don't have anything to lose, right?" Saeyoung is silent. Yoosung feels his heart thump, that same feeling he gets when he's asked to read something to the class or public, and he's nervous, afraid he'll stutter. "I dunno. He's nice sometimes, but also sort of mean, but he doesn't ever do anything too harsh. He's kind of pretty, but he doesn't really like himself. Not as much as I do. He puts up walls to cover up how he feels, and I didn't really ever notice that he was doing that until I did the same thing. Clearly he hasn't noticed me . . . what's his name? _Choi_ . . ." 

Saeyoung blinks. "You have a crush on my brother?" Yoosung blinks too, then deadpans him, "No, _you_ , stupid." Saeyoung relaxes his shoulders a bit and now Yoosung is now sitting upright, facing him. "Oh." And then it hits him. "OH." Yoosung nods. "Yeah, _oh_." 

Saeyoung turns and he swears he can feel Yoosung shaking beside him. Is he really this nervous? "I have a crush on someone too . . ." He feel's Yoosung relax beside him, his trembling slowing. "Oh . .." 

"He's nice, and he loves gaming and animals. He's kind of dumb sometimes, but then again so am I. He's also really pretty, and he wears dumb cute clothing that he never wants to get rid of no matter how old it is because he buys everything oversized so that he can wear them for a long time- and that isn't important. Uh, he's smart, but he isn't motivated to work hard anymore. He's actually really sad and he feels lonely, but I'm the only one who knows, and his name is Kim Yoosung." Yoosung sighs. "Oh."

His eyes widen. "Wh-" And then Saeyoung leans over and captures his lips with his own. Yoosung doesn't move his lips, he doesn't really know how. He just closes his eyes and lets Saeyoung's lips melt onto his.

But somehow when it's over Saeyoung pushes his lips against his and moves away in such a motion that he thinks would make a 'pop' sound. It does a bit, but it's quiet. He blinks, and turns to Saeyoung.

There's a silence for a moment, as they process what happened. Their cheeks are so warm, but their lips are also cold, missing the heat they just briefly shared. But they sit still, satisfied.

Saeyoung kind of feels bad, knowing he took Yoosung's first kiss without asking. And maybe Yoosung was so surprised that he didn't kiss back. Or maybe he didn't know how. Or- He decides he'll apologize.

"Sor-"

"Hey, Saeyoung?"

The redhead stops himself and looks over to his friend who looks up at him, squeezing his hand just a little harder.

"Thanks. For listening to me. And not thinking i'm weird. And taking my first kiss."

Saeyoung visibly cringes at the last bit. Yoosung laughs a little.

"I'm just kidding. It was . . . nice."

Saeyoung moves closer to Yoosung, pushing him down onto the bed. Yoosung gasps, letting out a small yelp.

Saeyoung finds himself over him, straddling his hips, an eager look on his face.

"Wanna do it again?"

Yoosung blinks, processing his current predicament. He then laughs lightly at Saeyoung's childish lightheartedness and willingness to add humor to a bad situation, not to avoid it, but to try and put it behind them.

"I don't know . . ."  


Saeyoung makes a pouty face, his hands coming to his cheeks.

"So you . . . don't love me after all?" 

Somehow tears magically start flowing down his cheeks. Yoosung gasps and sits up as much as he can with the other boy on top of him.

"I'm sorry, I- I love you yeah I was just joking I-"

Saeyoung smirks, wiping his tears. 

"Aww, so you do? I'm glad I learned how to cry on cue."

Yoosung frowns and slaps him. Saeyoung groans, rubbing his cheek. Before he can fake a complaint to Yoosung and then laugh it off, Yoosung cups his cheeks and brings him back in for another kiss. 

Saeyoung's eyes widen for a moment before he closes them, going along with it. He's surprised at Yoosung taking initiative, but he's also happy wasn't too mean to him with his little prank.

When they pull away for air, Yoosung falls onto his back dramatically. Saeyoung falls forward onto his chest. He moves the blond's damp hair from his face, combing it with his fingers before Yoosung tilts his head up at him.

"Why are you messing with my hair?"

Saeyoung shrugs. "It's pretty . . . lolol you have a double chin right now."

Yoosung snorts and puts his hand on Saeyoung's face, pushing him away. "Oh my god you're such an asshole. And a dork. Why do I even like you?"

Saeyoung turns so that he's lying on his side with his head resting on his fist. It's that stupid seductive pose. "Because I'm cute?"

He wiggles his eyebrows and Yoosung cringes before laughing lightly. "Dude, how did you do that? It's fucking disgusting."

Saeyoung rolls onto his back and shrugs. "Rule 34. A hacker never reveals his secrets."

Yoosung blinks. "I thought Rule 34 was-"

Saeyoung rolls his eyes. "The internet is full of lies, babe, you shouldn't listen to everything you hear."

" _BABE!?_ "

. . .

"Hey, Yoosungie?"

"Yeah . . . ?"

"Happy birthday."

~~~

And so they just chill out and talk for a bit. Well, it's _actually_ about an hour but the time flies quickly for them. Saeyoung looks over at Yoosung, all smiling and laughing, and he can tell it's real. Not some front he puts in the chatrooms while in reality he's really sad. This is him expressing real, true happiness. And he himself feels happy for having made Yoosung smile.

And then it hits him. _Oh shit we were supposed to be there an hour ago_. He groans a bit knowing he might get chewed out or something, but sighs and shrugs it off. Any consequence is worth it for making Yoosung happy again. Even just for an hour or so.

He sits up, stretching his arms before sliding off the bed. 

"Hey, Yoosung, you wanna go somewhere fun? I know we could just chill out here but uh, I kind of planned on taking you there earlier and I spent a lot of time planning it so-"

"Huh, really? Where are we going?" 

Yoosung shows an enthusiastically curious expression on his face. He climbs off the bed and stands in front of Saeyoung, seeing their height difference now that they're not sitting down. Saeyoung is a few centimeters taller than him. It isn't much but it still allows Saeyoung to tease him for being short.

Saeyoung spins around, heading for the doorway to put his shoes on. "It's a surprise~" 

Yoosung stretches, feeling weird for having lied down for a while. He also heads to the door to put his shoes on.

"Wait. Does this mean I get to ride in-"

"The Babe Car? Yes. The _one_ and _only~_ " 

Yoosung grabs his phone and hoodie and they step outside to see the _actual_ car in his driveway. No, it isn't the bright red car he usually drives. This is _the_ Babe Car. The silver-white-ish one.

"You ready to go?" Saeyoung asks him, twirling the ring of keys on his index finger.

Yoosung nods, still staring at the car he never thought he'd get to see in person, much-less _ride_ in. 

"Yeah, ready as I'll ever be, I guess."

~~~

After a while they reach a stop light. As there are cars crossing from the opposite direction and they can't turn yet, Saeyoung takes the chance to give Yoosung a blindfold.

"We're almost there, put this on." Yoosung just shrugs and does so.

About two or three minutes later the car pulls up onto a driveway and there's the sound of a garage door opening. But way louder.

It gets darker and they drive a little more until the car turns and stops. Yoosung assumes Saeyoung parked in some sort of parking spot. But what was that loud so-

The sound plays again and when it's done the little bit of light through the blindfold and his closed eyes is gone. 

"Where are we? It's darker now."

Saeyoung can't be seen but Yoosung assumes he's smirking from what he says next. "Kind of kinky, right?" 

Yoosung feels his face warm up, now especially nervous. "What-"

He hears Saeyoung move and feels his body lean over his lap. Then there's the sound of the glove box opening. 

"Now where did I put those handcuffs?"

Yoosung flinches. "OH my god are you going to kill me!?"

Saeyoung is quiet for a second. "What? No, it's called BDSM, babe. Or do you prefer bukkake?" 

"None! Neither! I don't-"

A hand grabs Yoosung's wrist and he screams. Saeyoung laughs at him, clutching his chest. "I'm iofdhngfheor I'm kidding, Yoosung. Calm down. I wouldn't fuck you without your permission."

"WHAT- wait, how did you say that keyboard smash out loud? Are you _that_ gay?"

"Ya."

~~~

Yoosung finally makes it to the bottom of the stairs. To be honest it was very scary, as he obviously couldn't, and still can't, see anything. But now he's finally reached the bottom. It wasn't that bad though, as Saeyoung held his hand the whole way down :>.

Yoosung hears buttons or digits being pushed and a beep before he hears a door open. The lights go out and there's the sound of whispers that die down slowly.

Then there's a very "manly" scream. And then-

"Ow who fucking shocked me!?"

"What? It wasn't me."

"Of course it was fucking you, you fucking asshole!"

"There's no need for vulgar language, as I didn't do anything."

"Then why did I get stung and have my arm go numb!?"

"Ah. I don't know."

"Don't you fucking- YOU'RE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH TONIGHT!"

"We don't live in the same house."

"I'LL FUCKING FACETIME YOU TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE!"

"I simply won't accept your facetime request."

"YOU L- ow! Oh-"

It goes quiet. Yoosung feels awkward not being able to see anything still. "Was that Jumin and Zen?"

Saeyoung takes the blindfold off and Yoosung blinks. Suddenly there are a bunch of moving colored blobs and a bunch of people shout, "SURPRISE!!!"

As soon as his vision returns to him, even though aftermath of the blindfold still has him a little disoriented, he sees where he is. It's Saeyoung's underground bunker house. It explains the stairs. And the dark parking garage. 

And while he feels the presence of Saeyoung beside him, he also has a lovely view in _front_ of him.

There are some long, foldable tables, the ones you'd see at an outdoor party or lunch gathering at church. On top of it sits a bunch of food, and a cake, and he even sees honey buddha chips. The table cloth is blue and there are colored balloons, some star-shaped, floating from the sides. Behind the table is all of the RFA members, plus Vanderwood, most wearing happy expressions. Okay, scratch that.

MC and Jaehee look happy. Vanderwood, Saeran, and Jumin look pretty chill, and Zen looks angry. Probably because of whatever the hell happened when he first got here with the blindfold on. ~~Let's just say that Saeran may or may not have taken a tazer from Vanderwood to cause some chaos i mean what-~~

He subconsciously brings a hand up to his face, being left in awe. "Oh my god, you guys remembered?" 

Saeyoung shrugs. "Ya, we'd kind of be assholes to just forget-" Yoosung quickly throws his arms around him, kissing him deeply. Like he totally forgets everyone else is there fjkjtherighjrith.

There are some gasps and there's also one person squealing. Yoosung pulls back quickly, his brain saying one thing. _Oh fuck what did I just do-_

"IT'S ABOUT TIME!" MC laughs and everyone else just looks kind of shocked. Well, mostly Zen. Saeran doesn't fucking care. 

Zen blinks, still in a state of shock. "Since when did this happen!? Also what took you guys so long?"

Saeran smirks. "They were probably fucking." 

Vanderwood hits him on the arm. "I mean, they were probably having the intercourse that may or may not have been sexual, praise be, amen." 

Saeyoung shrugs, heading up to the group with Yoosung. "There were some complications, sorry."

Yoosung kind of drowns them all out, smiling lightly. He can't believe the day he's had. It was all so shitty. He literally felt the urge to cease to exist so strongly that he tried to ~~_hurt himself_~~. He didn't even really have a good reason why he did it. He didn't feel like anyone cared about him, but oh was he wrong. Everyone, all of the weird members of the RFA, they're always going to be there for him, and he should have known that all along.

He flinches as his phone vibrates in his back pocket. While everyone is distracted talking to each other and he thinks Jumin and Zen get into a fight, he stands to the side and sees who it is. His mom. He's hesitant to answer but realizes that he can always hang up and put his phone on silent, then deal with the consequences later.

He answers the phone and before he can say anything, his mom starts talking, as usual. Though, her voice is a lot different then he thought it would be. "Yoo? I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I've just had a really stressful day at work and I came home to see your grades and I was very upset. I had some tea and took a nap and realized how hard I was on you. I'm sorry, but I just really want you to succeed and not drop out like me and have to work at a super old age at a job that pays minimum wage. I also forgot to tell you happy birthday. I love you honey, even if your grades make me wanna have a stroke."

Yoosung laughs a bit. "Uh . . . thanks?, mom, but I've gotta go."

"To study, I presume?"

Yoosung looks over at Saeran who launches a cupcake at Saeyoung's face. 

"Yeah, sure." 

He hangs up and goes over to enjoy the party. 

~~~

After that day, things seemed to get a lot better for Yoosung. he became closer with the RFA, and he was a little more open with his feelings. It wasn't like he just started doing so completely out of the blue, but it was rather Saeyoung's doing.

At some point people started changing how they talked to him. Zen and MC teased him less, Jumin and Jaehee stopped being pessimistic about how he handles his schoolwork, Vanderwood never really talked to him to there wasn't really a difference, and Saeran stopped calling him a twink. Lots of improvements.

People became a lot more encouraging and paid attention to what he said. Based on all of this, he assumed that Saeyoung had told everyone privately about either what happened, or at least some of it, to everyone and told them not to mention it to him again. And he has to admit that he's actually glad they he did so that way. It saved him from having another awkward conversation.

Though his moment of glory didn't last. He ended up feeling terrible again. Like people who clearly love him don't actually. It's like he knows they care, but his mind can't confirm it. And he feels bad again. But Saeyoung is there to help him love himself, and to remind him that there are people who care for him.

With the help of Jumin, and partially Saeran, they get him a nice therapist and he seems to be getting better little by little. He regains motivation to continue to work harder in school, and it pays off.

He may not ever feel fully happy with himself, but he knows that he'll be okay as long as he has everyone there to look out for him, and to remind him that life is worth living.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea if this is 100% accurate, but mental illnesses and depression can be different for everyone. I've tried my best and like I said this is a vent thing, not something for other people to enjoy for fun. 
> 
> I'm not planning on publishing this, so if I do and you read this know that it was probably super late at night when my braincells were all gone so I didn't have any voice in my head asking me "hmm, is this a good idea?" as I hit 'post'.
> 
> (edit: I have now finished this. I felt really shitty and wrote this and it actually helped me feel way better and it's also really late at night and I'm delusional so I'm gonna post it).


End file.
